Friday thoughts #12 - Set boundaries

Good morning to my superhero colleagues!

​It can be difficult to say no to something: Maybe you were given instruction by someone in authority, or perhaps a need to please or impress or in social circles.

By saying yes, what you are doing is giving a person a value that comes at the expense of something else of value to you.
So: Before you say yes, understand the trade you are making first, this exchange then highlights to you if it’s a good or a bad deal and sets you up to defend your boundary more easily.


What do I mean? Here are a couple of examples: 
Whatever the trade is that you are making, first be aware of it…

• Go on an offshore trip: You’ll be giving up family or quiet relaxation/me time
• Stay late in the office for overtime: You may have to skip the gym
• Take on work you have little experience in: You know you’ll have to study and possibly have periods of anxiety for it

 
To say no, you can learn to phase it with boundary statements:

• “No, I cannot go on this trip, I promised by girls that I’d take them to Kongparken” This is not about a previous commitment, this is saying your family has priority, and you can add that to be included in the statement
• “No, I won’t stay late today, I made a commitment to get in shape and I need to make progress” Your health matters. Daily exercise has a priority
• “No, this task is out of my area of expertise” Know your role and responsibilities, be able to convey them (You shouldn’t be given tasks way out of your field anyway, that would be poor leadership)

 
Remember that these are not excuses. 
They are reasons defined within a boundary you set.

A boundary statement creates limits, and you can always follow-up…

• “This was short notice, perhaps it could be postponed to next weekend or if the kids change their mind, I’ll let you know” 
• “I’ll do what I can, but I need to leave at XXX”
• “Perhaps you can provide me with a mentor for training and help re-assign my current responsibilities”

Know your boundaries:

• Have a think and pre-define them. List out what your priorities and values are. Having boundaries sets the limits for others by advertising your priorities.
• Follow-ups allow you to say that their request matters, but not at the expense of your own values.
• Where you place the boundary is up to you and fully under your control.
• Be honest with them and try not to change them too often (as our boundaries link directly to our personal values).
• Keep in mind that a boundary is a selfish act, it’s selfish in a good way!

You are of value!
Your time matters!
You are a priority too! 
And this is not just for the workplace. It’s important that our social circles know our boundaries too.
By setting boundaries you will gain self-confidence and command respect from others without being awkward or aggressive.

So this week: Small, smart changes: Learn to set boundaries.
Come and see me if you ever need help setting a boundary or expressing it.
B